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28 March 2006 @ 10:58 pm
“The more things change, the more they stay the same. I'm not sure who the first person was who said that. Probably Shakespeare. Or maybe Sting. But at the moment, it's the sentence that best explains my tragic flaw: my inability to change. I don't think I'm alone in this. The more I get to know other people, the more I realize it's kind of everyone's flaw. Staying exactly the same for as long as possible, standing perfectly still... It feels safer somehow. And if you are suffering, at least the pain is familiar. Because if you took that leap of faith, went outside the box, did something unexpected... Who knows what other pain might be out there, waiting for you. Chances are it could be even worse. So you maintain the status quo. Choose the road already traveled and it doesn't seem that bad. Not as far as flaws go. You're not a drug addict. You're not killing anyone... Except maybe yourself a little. When we finally do change, I don't think it happens like an earthquake or an explosion, where all of a sudden we're like this different person. I think it's smaller than that. The kind of thing most people wouldn't even notice unless they looked at us really close. Which, thank God, they never do. But you notice it. Inside you that change feels like a world of difference. And you hope this is it. This is the person you get to be forever... that you'll never have to change again.”
Current Mood: blankfeeling fine
Current Music: The Sound of Settling, Death Cab For Cutie
Spending the night with my dad! Turned in journalism assignment today. I pretended I won the Academy Award for Best Original Screenplay. Doing homework before he gets home. Lauren taping the O.C. for me. Cat going crazy, it sounds like it is meowing my name. Pretty creepy.
Just online and the ocinsider has Free Marissa tees and this Summer comic book sketch shirt that is not in stock right now. I am thinking of getting them.
My Miss Sixty boots are down to $192 and they have them in Dark Brown again!!!!!!

Missed my dad. Called him after school. Did homework. Read Atlas Shrugged. Watched this Temptations movie on VH1 that was really good. The band was pretty troubled from cocaine addiction to alcoholism and deaths and wheelchairs. Messed up. Veronica Mars was on for the first time in over a month. It kept getting cancelled by Michigan basketball games.

Rap meeting. Challenge Day was today, not that I was invited but Lauren filled me in on that and we talked, something we kind of almost have to schedule or set aside time for because we don't really talk much anymore. Saw Keith Bennet which was weird.
Read Atlas Shrugged.
Gilmore was on. The camera angle they used, more documentary style towards the end or even argumentative was awesome. The camera followed the speaker as they rebuttled. I love it. The family managed to lay every problem out on the table from Lorelai getting pregnant to Rory leaving Yale.
Watched Meet The Barkers.

Model Un Meeting. Felt like I was going to faint after school. Kate left during school so I had no one to keep me awake during Chem, and it was so boring.
Watched Wildfire. Courting Alex, which has the best friend of Ed, from the TV show Ed. I love that guy. Evening was pretty uneventful.

Slept in. Wanted to hang out with Lauren but ended up going over to Kate's and watching Monty Python and the Life of Brian with her and Emily Reed. Kate and I talked for a good hour and half after Emily Reed left.
Eric had a soccer game at 9 and originally I didn't plan on going but since dad was going out of town I suffered through it and my dad and I had a lot of fun making jokes and stuff.
Grey's Anatomy. Right on as usual.

Woke up still angry at people, myself, and a dream I had.
Finished This Lullaby.
Slept most of the day from 12 til 5 in my room. Going in and out of consciousness. My mom came in my room and layed in there which really pissed me off. She just sat on my floor, and then would make accusations. She may want us to be close but the fact is that we aren't. She wouldn't let me hang out, I was sort of mad.
Connor wanted to watch Grind. That movie is funny no matter what people say.
Sat in my room writing and just listening to Tally Hall.

Watched Oprah, she had on the cast of Brokeback Mountain. I loved Michelle Williams. I didn't know she was so shy.
Alex Petit's party. I was kind of just pissed, I had low points and high points. I was mad at myself and at others. I can't explain it. I was having a weird night.
When I got home I couldn't sleep so I just read This Lullaby until an unknown hour.
Current Mood: coldcold
Current Music: California Waiting, Kings of Leon
Got a little bored while writing Model UN position papers. And this is what came out. Thinking of calling this poem First Love. I think it is implied through out the poem.


I woke up late on Saturday morning,
The sunshine finding its way through the cracks,
Got ready for you to come over,
Autumn leaves make there way inside,
My favorite time of year,
New beginnings promised as the season transitions,
Changed clothes three times before you came over,
Settle on my worn in jeans,
Last week you drew a faded heart upside down,
In green magic marker,
On the knee,
I’m wearing your baseball t-shirt,
You left it at my house two days ago,
It smells like your cologne,
You gave me a promise ring yesterday,
Underneath the willow tree at the park downtown,
You pulled it out of your pocket,
Traced the inside of my palm,
Gently placing it on my finger,
You kissed my forehead,
And whispered “I love you” into my ear,
I giggled like a little girl,
You just traced patterns till I stopped,
Perfectly content,
Painted my toe nails red,
To match the Spiderman band aid on my finger,
I got while making your Valentine’s card,
The gash went deep and blood seeped to the surface,
A scar will be left behind,
Scars seem to be left behind to easily,
More fragile then I would care to admit,
We lay on my shag carpet,
I trace with my finger tip,
The curve of your shoulder to your palm,
You stare at the ceiling,
Our breathing meshing together,
A bond like we have is not broken easily,
My room smells of fresh roses,
The ones you brought with you today,
You are always bringing me little gifts,
I stuff them all away,
In a box under my bed,
I pull it out whenever I want to remember,
Collection of wilted rose petals and cards gently lay discarded inside,
Your hand comes to rest upon my waist,
Pulling me to rest at your side,
Together we lay in peace,
Love seeping to the surface,
Impairing our otherwise good judgment,
We are naïve and in love,
Enjoying the serenity,
We only find with each other.
Current Mood: busybusy doing model un stuff
Current Music: Brothers On A Hotel Bed, Death Cab For Cutie
27 December 2005 @ 12:06 am
Woke up at 10. Pretty late. We watched movies. Spiderman 2 and Wedding Singer. All gifts from Christmas. Spiderman 2 is just so good. I had never seen Wedding Singer. Dad pointed out that both movies had men being left at the altar, Serendipity was similar. Dad told us to get dressed. We thought at 4 we were going to Ted's, Lynn's brothers but Dad and Lynn ended up getting into a bit of a fight, the perfect Christmas over with. We got a button sewn back on my blazer, then went to Target. Got to Ted's at 7. Left at 8:30. Eric and I had a snow ball fight as we were leaving. It was fun. Came home, printed off UMMUN delegation information, and watched this Steven Seagull movie Black Dawn. The one fights scene he has in the movie you don't even see anything only there feet. It was funny, he is just getting to old.
Dad adn I just finished watching this old Frank Sinatra, Bing Crsoby, Grace Kelly movie and the ending ruined the whole movie. I was so pissed. It was called High Society, everything but the last two minutes was perfect.
Going to bed. Hope everyone's Christmas went good.

Sunday - Christmas Day
Dad picked us up at 9. Went to his house, turned on some Celine and then opened gifts. I knew mostly all my gifts and I will admit I got a little mad that this one gift I really wanted I didn't get but then I admitted to be selfish and spoiled. I loved all my stuff though and I am very lucky. Dad really liked his gift from us, The DaVinci Code: Illustrated Version. I was glad. Dad and I watched Serendipity, what would be the first of four movies to come in the next two days that had weddings being broken up. I absolutely love Jeremy Piven in that movie, his lines are written and delivered so well.
Found out over lunch that Dad and Lynn got engaged. Didn't know how to react to the news. Pretty shocked that he told us after hours of hanging out.
Went to Lynn's moms the engagement news made me a little uncomfortable. I walked in a sat down with her girls but none of us talked about it. Just as Louise, Sarah's boyfriend how ever you spell his name, was talking to me Lynn came over. I was a little uncomfortable.
We opened gifts, hung around from like 2 til 6:30. We drove home and then proceeded to open more gifts from Lynn. She did really good with the gifts this year, usually they are crap things. We had a good dinner and it was really just perfect. Kind of displayed what the future would be like. The four of us at Christmas. In that moment there were no arguements. How the holidays were meant to be.
Then we went our seperate ways. I went to my room to try on clothes and sleep. Dad took Lynn home at 11. I was so tired. I wrote him a note telling him it was my best Chrsitmas ever and headed off to bed.

Saturday - Christmas Eve
Got up at 7:30 and we opened Christmas gifts at my mom's. That is what happens when you have divorced parents, Christmas is done whenever you can. So we opened gifts on Christmas eve, I got clothes and books. My mom actually managed to get me things I wanted, the clothes are okay, some I like more than others but I got Atlas Shrugged. I can't wait to read it. From 11 till 2:30 I began reading Lucia, Lucia this book I got for Christmas. By the time we left for my Aunt's I was on page 188.
On the way over to my Aunt's I listened to Fall Out Boy and slept some. I had fun at their house. No one asked me about school which was weird. My cousin Jessica who is really shy and like 9 years old and I talked a lot. She is so cute. She thought I still believed in Santa Clause so before she told me about her no longer believing she checked with her sister. It was so cute!
My Aunt got me this really cool journal where it asks you a bunch of things and the journal is supposed to be a tool in helping you find the person you really are. How you deal with fear, frustration, love, passion, anger, etc. I thought it was a really thoughtful gift.
I told my mom at my Aunt's that I didn't want to go to Midnight mass and they all agreed so guess what? I ended yp not having to go. I just pretended to be asleep on the ride home. Hahaha. When we got home at 10:30 I continued reading Lucia, Lucia and finished at midnight exactly. I then went to bed. I felt bad that Eric had to go to mass but that just means I owe him big time.

Woke up at 11. Slept in. Computer and Veronica Mars. Went to Granny's and opened presents. Got home around 8, I wrote some poems and listened to Dashboard before going to bed at 11.

My phone woke me up at 8. Then drifted in and out of sleep for a couple hours. Like officialy got up at 10:30 or around there. We watched music video stuff and made mac n' cheese. Sean took me home. Spent the afternoon, three hours, chilling on the computer and watching Veronica Mars. Dad came by around 5:30 on his way back from Chicago. We picked up dinner and then he left for Lynn's around 6. I read this Women of the Bible thing before Eric adn I headed over to Kate's. The party was fine. Tyler was my secret santa person, I was supposed to get a gift from him, but I didn't. It made me a little sad when everyone else was opening there gifts and I couldn't. Kate and Lauren really liked there gifts though which made it worthwhile. Lauren, Kate, Mark, Michelle, Emily's and I went upstairs for much of the party. Some people were just really getting on my nerves. We left at 11 and by the time we left I felt like I had this lump in my throat.
Part of it was the whole not getting a present but the bigger part was that I am tired, even if it is in a joking way, of being called a whore and a slut. I should take it as a joke but I don't know it is just not so funny.
I stayed up talking to my mom about it, that is how upset I was. Then she made me call my dad, for the first time in my life, she admitted that I was close with my dad and that he would make me feel better.
Went to bed around 12:30.

Went over to Lauren's at 11. An hour early I felt bad because I interrupted her alone time with Matt. I apologized a bunch. We made Matt watch OC first season episodes that I hadn't watched in months. I tend to not watch them that often, I do have a life. We went to the mall for a bit to get Bailey's gift for Lauren. Ate lunch, hung out, rented Exorcism of Emily Rose. I loved the movie so much. I just think that exorcisms are so interesting and mixed in with the trial. I just loved it. I did fall asleep though for five minutes during this court sequence with Laura Linney.
Model UN party was okay. Lauren and I stuck together the whole time, attached at the hip. I don't know we had a little bit of fun, but we like just hanging with our group of friends. I think people understand what I mean. Thor got me my secret santa gift. I won't go into how he wrapped it and everything but it was funny. I got a Barnes and Noble $15 gift card which I thought was nice.
Lauren and I went back to her house and Matt was with us for probably an hour and half so we watched Grind. Who doesn't love that movie?
Lauren and I watched Winning London before bed. I had fun sleeping over, we never do that anymore. I like how we don't even have to talk, and I shared some stuff with Lauren that I had told Kate because Lauren and I never see each other anymore.
Current Mood: awakeawake for it being midnight
Current Music: Another Year Has Gone By, Celine Dion
25 December 2005 @ 12:46 pm
Updating later tonight but I just found out five minutes ago after being at my dad's house for four hours that he and Lynn got engaged. I am a little bit of everything right now. I don't know if I should be elated or angry or sad. Lynn and him just have so many problems but they have been together for seven years so really its not a suprise, I can't imagine my life without Lynn and the girls. That may sound weird because eventually people die, and death has been no stranger to my family, so someone could die, but for now they are permanent and all the craziness they bring with them is no longer a suprise. The late night arguements between Lynn and my dad, the nitpicking but at the same time we have our good moments as a family.

Going to see the girls and Lynn in a bit and her whole family so we will see there reactions to the news.

The hardest part is even though they are always there I am going to miss it being the three of us staying up late watching movies or confiding in my dad about everything. Now Lynn will be there and my dad will expect me to tell her things too. I am just so confused, I knew it was coming but no matter how many times I told myself it was coming it has never really felt real until now.
Current Mood: blankblank
Current Music: L-O-V-E, Nat King Cole
Chemistry test. I think I did pretty good. Today was pretty pointless. It didn't feel like Christmas break was the next day though. Like I had no parties and there was no sadness when I left school. Probably because I know I will be seeing everyone over break. I won a pottery bowl Mr.Powers made in art today. That was pretty cool.
Dad took us out to eat at the mall and did last minute shopping for stocking stuffers.
Saw the guy with the big eyebrows named Ryan, that is what his name tag said, the lead singer in pajama pants band tonight working at Target. I remember Libby saying he worked there. We were in his line and my dad made this funny comment about a woman in front of us as she left hitting on him, she wasn't but he always say stuff like that, and he chuckled. For once I wasn't embarassed.
It is amazing what my dad and I talk about sometimes. We are so open with each other. Tonight when we were in Marshall Fields I said I don't understand why people by nice glass to just look at. And then we started looking at it. And he picked this one up and said it reminded him of "something." And I knew so I shouted out that it reminded him of a bong. We joked all night about that. He was suprised to learn I knew what one looked like. He said back in his day he made them or something. Supposedly I guess meaning he used one a lot, but I already knew that. He said he wasn't sheltering us enough but all night I was very proud of myself.
Just finished watching Miracle. I love that movie. It is so good. A nation coming together in a time when they really had zero hope. Jimmy Carter had hostages in Iran but here were twenty guys who beat the Soviets in a game that had for a long time been theres.

School was pretty boring. AP watching the Roe v. Wade video which just pisses me off because they always want you to feel bad for Ellie. Math was pretty pointless. Economics test that I am glad I didn't waste my time studying for, I have a 97% in class anyway. Art we watched Home Alone which was a suprise. English, Warren has been pretty cool lately. No hw in Chemistry for the first time in forever.
Model UN meeting at Dondero. Lots of delegation meetings coming up that I am not really looking forward too. I have barely any information looked up yet. First meeting on Tuesday and she wants rough drafts of position papers on Wednesday.
Fell asleep when got home. I felt really cold and I had like four layers of blankets on me. My mom said my head felt hot. When they left I went on the computer then did AP outline. Didn't study for Chem test.
Nicole said the nicest thing to me today. She said my skin was looking reall good. You know when someone who is not a close friend compliments you that they mean it.

Slept in. Skipped going to church. Dad and Eric left around 10:45 to leave to get to Wixom for Eric's soccer game. The rest of the day I spent home alone which was very nice. I kept saying I was going to do homework but I spent the whole day on the computer, I only took two breaks to take a shower and make lunch. I had fun, I love being alone. Some people don't like it but I just love it. There is a certain freedom. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I moved here to live with my dad and my brother stayed behind and my dad still traveled. I think I would like the alone time, but I am an alcoholic when it comes to the computer so I would probably never eat or do homework which could be dangerous.
Lauren picked me up at 5:30 to go to Ross' show. We got there and couldn't find it which had me laughing. We all hung out at the show and it was a lot of fun. I like our big group of friends. We always have fun, whether it is just hanging out at someone's house or at dances or shows. I thought that Pheonix Under Fire did good tonight. I was worried for a long time that my dad was goign to get mad that I got home at 8:30 instead of 7:30 but when I walked inside he was laughing hysterically to some joke. Good news.
I printed off a bunch of Xenolith submissions, ate Arby's and watched March of the Penguins which brought my hyperness down to the point that by 10:30 I was asleep on the couch.

Slept in a little. Dad wanted to get an early start to buy gradnpa's gifts for christmas but we ended up leaving the house around 11. Went to the mall and at Bath and Body Works they had this really good smelling Henri Blendi rose petal perfume. Eric got his secret santa gifts. Made a stop at Kohl's, Target, and Old Navy before going home. I tried on clothes and went on the computer. Slept for a little bit. We went down to the DYC for dinner to meet Gary, Rachel's new boyfriend. He was really nice and pretty good looking, the first of any of Lynn's girls boyfriends to be good looking. Dad talked the whole night at dinner, non-stop, without him the conversation would have lagged. But then of course there was the pint were he told embarassing stories about me swearing when I was younger because I would sneak in the hallway and watch HBO when they thought no one was looking. I was freezing during dinner. Got home late and Eric decided to put on Predator and let's just say that worked like a sleeping pill. I was out in a matter of minutes.
Current Mood: contentcontent
Current Music: The Christmas Song - The Raveonettes
During the day I was really tired. I had a dream that it was a snow day and everyone was hanging out so when I woke up and we didn't have a snow day it was really disappointing.
Silver bottling in Chem.
Went to mom's after school, got ready, went to dad's and then went to Emily Reed's. Emily Huening had me cracking up and I overflowed my pop a bunch of times.
The dance was fun but it was pretty deserted but I didn't really expect it to be packed so it wasn't a shock. Dances suck because if you don't have a date or no one likes you it just puts a damper on everything. Plus I am self concious of my dancing and what I look like. Kind of gets in the way. Didn't get to see Lauren to much. I lost my voice kind of or it is at least scratchy.
Dad took Lynn, Eric and I to Ram's Horn. He was pissing me off when he kept saying he passed up going to this really nice resort just to see us, or that we didn't feed the cat yesterday because of all the snow. I mean on and on. He was beating a dead horse. I didn't find it funny.
Then at the dance I made the mistake of sounding sarcastic when I said "Lauren's will be awesome." She must think I am a bitch.
Christmas shopping tommorow for grandparents, secret santa, and me.

Math test. I didn't think it was to bad. Got a 15/16 on econ quiz. Test on Monday I am nervous for.
Finished sewing people's christmas gifts.
OC and Reunion.
When the OC came on I got really giddy. My mom laughed at me. But seriously, the last couple weeks Lauren has been taping it for me. I can't explain why I like it so much and why just the theme song or Seth's wit can make me super giddy. I just love it. When I think about it when I am not watching, I can be like "What is so great about it?" But you just have to experience it. And when I heard all the Chrismakkuh talk it made my grin even bigger. The show, for me at least, is something were you feel like you know them, they remind me of our group of friends. I love it because facets of the show are really cliche' with the strip clubs, etc but really the way they portray the friendships are what make it so real.
On Reunion Sam kept telling Will that this was going to be his year. She says it a couple times and you feel bad for the guy because I know that is like. For someone to tell you deserve all these things, happiness, etc. Just telling someone that doesn't make it happen. Also it hurts, because you think if I deserve them, then what am I doing wrong?
Mom and I argued most of the night. She is constantly on me about everything I do. Getting sooooo tired of it.

You'll never guess who talked to me in art today. Here is a clue: He hasn't talked to me since he got to Kimball. Let's just say I was shocked. Not really excited though. So over that.
Meeting after school for Turkey delegation. We just kind of talked about what info we should find and met the people we didn't know. Had a supply quiz in econ. Okay day, I guess.
I just went on the computer and watched Veronica Mars. Studied for Math test.

Watched Veronica Mars. GG was a rerun. Mom was out and Jim was too for a bit, forget why. Model UN rappeteour meeting at Dondero. We stayed until 5. I am really having fun but I hate not getting home at 3 and just chilling.

Got up for school. Hugged grandpa good-bye. Sadness in the pit of my stomach. School was pretty sucky knowing that my dad and grandpa were leaving. Model UN meeting at Dondero, pretty funny. At night I watched Veronica Mars and so on.

Woke up at 7:30 went to Ram's Horn for breakfast and then church service. Eric's soccer game and then Lynn, Theresa, Becky and Rachel and all of us went to Buffalo Wild Wings and were there for awhile. They came over at like 6 too. So we had two hours probably between seeing them. I hate it because dad wants everyone to see his dad but I want to be selfish and just keep him to the three of us. We see him so rarely.
Then dad got a call and his cell was like glued to his ear. He got mad that his dad hijacked the dinner but seriously he was talking to much to cook. Then as everyone is over and I am setting the table already pissed enough, Rachel could tell, I hear from Lynn that dad is going out of town. Right then adn there I almost broke down. I had tears but I sucked them back in. I told myself I wasn't going to cry in front of everyone. I just shot dad dirty looks. We were supposed to be with him Monday and Tuesday. He keeps just going out of town. And then so he pulled me downstairs to talk and I just nodded my head it was all I could do.
Stayed up watching the History Channel with grandpa to squeeze some more time in. But that ended up making me even more tired.

Further proof of why I like Rachel and sometimes am annoyed by Lynn. This is from Rachel's lj -

"Last night everyone was really getting on me. who knows why, they just haven't seen me in a while i guess. but it didn't really bother me. my grandma was the only one sticking up for me (but i think she also just gets a little annoyed with arne sometimes), but then my mom was like, if i started doing that to his kids, they'd cry. and she started to say last night that she would tease them like that so he could see how it felt. and i'm just.. apalled. i don't know what else to say. that is so mean. why would she ever take anything out on his kids? they didn't do anything. especialy ashley who gets enough teasing from eric and her dad already. i don't know. my mom always preaches her positivity bullshit, but i've found that she is more than just every once in a while the most negative person of all."

She is just nice to me. My dad was just joking around people take it the wrong way but I can't believe Lynn said I would cry if she made fun of me, people make fun of me all the time, I don't cry, I may be hurt but seriously.

Woke up at 8. Took a shower. Athen's for breakfast. Shopping rest of day. Dad and grandpa thought I was in a funk and would get out when I got stuff. But really the thing is that it was always in the back of my mind that he is leaving on Monday. Spent an probably two hours in Urban Outfitters finalizing what I wanted. Picked out a cute wrap shirt, tights, shrug, t-shirt, and this cool necklace. Also got Veronica Mars season one. We went home and rented Pizza and watched Collateral and Fantastic Four. I took a nap for like twenty minutes. Eric had a soccer game at 10 at night. Got home at midnight. So tired. Body phsyically exhausted.

In a sucky mood in the morning and my dad called me a "bitch" but come on seriously I wanted a snow day. I hate how are school always deprives us of our snow days. Just let us have one. The day was boring and pointless. At night we went and saw Narnia at the Palladium with my church, Lynn came too. It was really good, better than I expected. You can really see how Lewis drew from Tolkien. Plus, Peter was hot and the little girl who played Lucy was so cute. She reminded me of Grace, the girl I used to babysit. We went out to dinner with the Lau's after to Buca and got home at like midnight again. Don't see sleeping in in my future.

Drove around in circles at the airport while police directed us. Grandpa arrived an hour late and since we were in such a rush. No hug. We got home at midnight in the sucky Mercedes Benz rear wheel drive rental and went to bed. I was so tired. Praying for a snow day because want to spend day with grandpa.
Current Mood: draineddrained
Current Music: The Winter Song, Eisley
Got up. Freezing outside. Oh, how I hate snow.
Talked to my dad about asking Grandpa for the $250 Miss Sixty boots I want. It is look like they will be staying a dream. I just love them so much!
Our school administration has decided lets rip out all the carpeting and make it look like shit. It is disgusting, it is like you could get some disease. And there is nowwhere to sit. Art was a blast today, I was dieing of laughter when Kelsey was telling me what happened between Brooke and Lucas on One Tree Hill last night and started imitating there conversation. Because it was all soap-opera like and stuff. Funny. Kate, Travis, and I had a blast in english. It is part blow off class and serious. My paper is coming along. Chemistry just brings a damper to all the fun. No more laughing.
Grandpa arrives tonight!! So excited. Cleaning some more and hanging around. My mom came over to my dad's house to make me try on these four things she bought me. Two are so ugly. I cannot believe she is going to force me to wear them. But she was like inspecting my dad's house. My room she looked in my closet and stuff. She liked my room, she said. She saw my dad's room which is messy because of him traveling and she said, "Doesn't look like you are ready for grandpa?" She can be such a bitch. I mean my grandpa is not going to be in dad's room. Seriously. I just wanted to kick her out.
AP Quiz tomorrow and math quiz. Hopefully going to have a snow day, then I can spend more time with Grandpa.

Eric had to get up early for the ATC PLAN and so did I. I got to school at 7:15 so I just sat in front of the AP doorway staring down the deserted hallway and it looked super cool. The maintence door was at the end and like we learned in art it gets smaller the farther away. So I was just staring and then out of nowwhere appeared Billy and then Dohko came. She is a really nice teacher.
Pretty good day.Got my report card. All A's and a B+ again in Chemistry. An 88% again. I mean seriously. So close. Emily and I had a hilarious conversation about Booser's teaching skills. Which she doesn't have. She is so nice but should not be a teacher.
Chem test was pretty hard. I rocked the M.C. portion but the equations and balancing got complicated. Carbon, oxygen and hydrogen are to blame for the bad grade I am likely to get.
Got a response to the emial i sent my grandpa last week, he said the cutest thing ever. "Things will be back to normal." I don't know what normal is for us but it means that we mean as much to him as he does to me. I am excited. He is my only living blood grandparent. I miss him so much sometimes, but at the same time it doesn't feel like four months since I last saw him, the memories last awhile.
Cleaned up the house all night, from my room, to just odds and ends. Catched up with dad.
Veronica Mars, my second favorite show or tied for first with OC was on. Man, I love it. They had a storyline right out of The Twelve Angry Men on the episode. Logan was in it for a bit which made me happy. Just excellent all around. Stayed up till 11 just thinking about tomorrow.

Got up at 6 totally exhausted. Took the ATC PLAN this morning. The science portion was really hard for me, people were saying "What can you not read?" I personally thought it was hard. I felt rushed during that portion. Alex Green and I goofed around a lot during the test, I hardly talk to him anymore.
Rappeteour meeting at Dondero. We did nothing because the computer was off and couldn't scrapbook. I felt like a failure and just kept telling Erika that. I like how everyone in Model UN is really nice. Lisa and Rayna and Bailey and so. Just really nice.
Not with dad. Out of town again. Miss him so I called twice during Gilmore to talk to him, my mom and Jim at Connor's vocal music Christmas show. We stayed behind. Went on the computer. Gilmore was a rerun. Watched Big in 05 on VH1 to just pass the time. Getting pretty bored. Bed early.

Model UN meeting. Doing a secret santa there too. I get Melinda A. She seems nice and I know what to get her. Heard stories from GLIMUN. Lauren and I didn't have any weirdness today. Mom putting the finishing touches on my dress. Pretended to have more hw on computer when just searched. Mom and I talked during her sewing about 7th Heaven and Related, they were reruns. Took a shower and headed to bed early.

Mom wanted to go to church so of course we had to. When we go to church at Shrine the little things end up pissing me off. Case in point, I never voiced this but we parked the farthest away so Jim's car wouldn't get hit but then we freezed our asses off. I just get annoyed sometimes, pretty easily. Church was over then we went home. I sat around in my room and did the Supreme Court justice hw. I stayed home from Eric's soccer game pretending I had LOTS of hw and really just surfed the internet. I doubt I am the only one, but I love alone time. Just thinking and getting to be by myself without others hounding me. Watched some of Big in 05 on VH1 and watched Grey's Anatomy. I love that show. In my top three. The storylines always merge together in innovative ways. The characters are developed and loveable but screw up and it never gets to preachy.

Had a dream about the Miss Sixty Leather Studded boots I want. Woke up early which pissed me off. My mom and I sewed from 2:15 in the afternoon till 10:30 at night. Seriously that much together time with my mom is almost deadly. I just put the Celine Dion Christmas cd on repeat so I didn't have to hear her. I sat at the table just staring at her hands sewing the fabric together.

I was pretty adament about not really wanting to hang out and just work on getting the dress for dance and everyone's gifts done but Eric and Lauren kind of persuaded me into going to Travis'. I had a good time, played forgetting what it is called oh yeah foosball, and then just talked a lot. Libby, Amanda, Alex P, Rob, Tyler, Billy, Travis, Jordan, Eric, Kate, and Lauren was everyone. We had fun.
Current Mood: bouncygrandpa's arriving!!!!
Current Music: The Winter Song, Eisley
"I want to draw something that means something to someone. You know, I want to draw blind faith or a fading summer or… just a moment of clarity. It’s like when you go and you see a really great band live for the first time, you know, and nobody’s saying it but everybody’s thinking it-- "We have something to believe in again." I want to draw that feeling. But, I can’t. And if I can’t be great at it then I don’t want to ruin it. It’s too important to me." Peyton on OTH

"At this moment, there are 6,470,818,671 people in the world. Some are running scared. Some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day. Others are just now facing the truth. Some are evil men, that war with good. And some are good, struggling with evil. 6 billion people in the world. 6 billion souls. And sometimes, all you need is one. " Peyton on OTH

Fine day. Worried about AP TEST tomorrow. Found out getting A- in that class!!!!!! Stayed after school for the AP test review. I want to be prepared. It is 7:17 and my dad is still not home, big presentation for work, he is bringing home chinese. He seemed to be in a good mood which is good. I need a break from drama. OC and Reunion on tonight but don't know how much I will catch.

Did Power Point presentation in AP. Talked really fast but Billy said he could understand me, that is all that matters.
After school Kate and I stayed after for help in Chemistry. I went over to her house till 6. My mom showed me the fabric she bought for the dress. I think it will be cute. Crossing fingers. My mom went with Mrs. Sutherland to Olivers Trendz for a jewelry thing tonight so I went off to my room around 7:30 after Jim brought home the pizza, and I fell asleep for an hour. I was even tired at Kate's. Woke up and watched the last half hour of OTH. And watched a kick ass episode of Veronica Mars. Can't wait for grandpa to come to town so I can get the first season.

School day went fine. Rappeteour meeting cancelled so I went home.
Mom came home and I wanted to relax a bit before doing econ project and so then I went on the computer just before she was going to leave. And I was trying to finish up and tape everything together but she kept complaining to Jim, "I don't know when she is gonna be done. I hate driving on Woodward during rush hour. She is taking so long. I have stuff to do." And I just lost it. I started crying, told Jim he was yelling at me and we all had a little confrontation and then I had to go with my mom. She made me turn the radio off and we drove in silence as I attended all her errands so I could go to Kinko's. She was acting all put out. It pissed me off. When we got home I just didn't stay around them, I couldn't she has been making me so mad lately. So much for good conversation. She is thinking of making me a dress for Winter Semi-Formal.
Danny proposed to Melinda. How cute.

Model UN meeting at Kimball. Weirdness between Lauren and I. I will be the first to admit that, and it is weird because usually this doesn't happen. My mom started yelling at me in the car in front of Lauren which really mad me mad and at dinner she kept making pointed comments towards me and I just started crying. And I went to my room. When I left my room she was asleep on the couch but around 9:30 she came downstairs and we had this long chat were I got pretty much everything off my chest. How she searches my stuff, has no faith in her parenting skills enough to leave me alone, how she loves Eric more, how she treats me like I am 6, how she won't pay for college, all of it. I yelled, I cried all of that. And by the end she thought we had a heart to heart but I hated her a little bit more for forcing it all out of me. For making me pissed and making me cry. I have become so emotional in the last five months. I hate it, I used to pride myself, you could say on being able to be the rock for Eric and stuff. And here I am crumbling.

Everyone knows how sleepovers go, you wake up and go back to sleep hoping the next time you wake up the other person will be too. Finally got up around 10:30. Lauren left around 11. We skipped church. Eric did the finishing touches to his AP project. We all watched Jerry Maguire, man I love that movie. Some of the cheesiest lines ever written. You can see though a little bit of the Tom Cruise now in that movie. All jumpy and happy and stuff. We went to dad's office and he went off to a meeting and Eric and I were bored out of our minds hanging out in his office. Burned projects onto cd and then left to go to Wixom for his soccer game.
Dad and I had this good conversation about stuff that happened over the summer and what he does and says how it effects me, like he forget about making me cry on homecoming, and realized it effected me, but we said it all in a joking way. And we discussed how my fear is of succeeding in the business world but then meeting someone and having to a certain point give it up, like why is it worth going to college and putting in all that work if you are just going to quit and become a housewife. I want to achieve my dream job, have it all.
Got home and watched Grey's Anatomy. Alex, you are pissing me off.

Slept in. Felt bad about that. We went to Target, got the tree, and I did my AP Gov Power Point. Since we got started late on everything I felt a little rushed. Lauren came over around 6:30 and some parts from my bookcase were missing which bummed me out because I wanted it to be done with. Lauren and I watched this good movie called, Everybody's Doing It. We hung out and listened to music videos. We ate delicious mac n' cheese and had a little rift. But everything was good.

Went to Best Buy around 7 for the thanksgiving rush, we have never done it and never will again. It wasn't worth it. Dad took Eric and I out to breakfast because we got up so early. Dad went to a meeting and I sat around the house and waited for Lauren to call me. Went over to her house from like 2 till 6:30. Libby, Sean, Mark, Rob, and Amanda all came over and we watched House of Wax, like Texas Chainsaw it is not scary it is just that you are waiting for the gruesome scene with the next victim, gore. For dinner we met Lynn, Theresa and Rachel at Mamma Mia's. Second time within two weeks. Came home and went to sleep, exhausted.
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: Rock n' Roll Queen, The Subways

We sat around the house until 2. I was on the computer and working on an economics project. We had to pick up Lynn's mom on the way over to Lynn's.
Thanksgiving was okay til my dad and Lynn sort of got in this fight/discussion about DaVinci Code. I started it by just telling my dad that there was a Leondardo DaVinci documentary premiering on History Channel soon, oops.
Anyway the holidays are hell for everyone involved, whether it is getting the house ready on time, preparing the food or political and economic fights. Holidays are a good time to bring up the past too, all those times that you screwed up and your family needing to stick it to you. Luckily most of my relatives are dead and my parents aren't together so the holidays are spent with a mish mash of people. I miss my grandparents at the holidays though. During the holidays old distant reliatives always appear out of nowhere and you end up having to tell how old you are, etc. like twenty times.
I did have this great moment where I was alone in Lynn's dining room sitting by the bay window and I was looking out it with all the snow on the ground and all the sudden like a hundred crows came and it was one of the most beautiful sights with the sun beaming in the background, very peaceful.

Oh, aren't the holidays great. (Sarcasm)
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: O' Sailor, Fiona Apple (got stuck in my head)